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Feeling Dumb

The more I talk to people, the more I realize that there is so much I don't know. Not anything in particular, but things in general. Some things are not on my radar because of what I keep up with. Other things are things I feel I should know, but haven't followed up on. Sometimes I find myself wanting to be a part of conversations going on around me, but because I feel I have nothing to offer, I stay silent and listen. I take in what I hear and think about how I feel about it and come to my own conclusions or do some research. But then there are the times where I do participate, and if I'm not on target with all of the information I present, or ask questions for clarity, or maybe use a different "language" then those participating in the conversation, it becomes awkward. Instead of "learning" me something, some people try to make you feel dumb because what you may have to offer is not up to "their standard". I never understood that. You would think that if someone is showing interest in something you know about, you would want to educate them on the subject at hand. Unfortunately, I've been coming across some folks who feel they don't have time to share what they know with people who are not of their "kind" - race, religion, sex, level of education, financial status, etc. I could go on.

Maybe this offends me so much because I'm the exact opposite. I always try to help someone learn or understand something that I already know, especially if they are asking me to help them. The only thing I don't like is for people to ask you for help, and when you offer it, they make no effort to try and learn it for themselves. They just want you to be around to do it for them. Otherwise, I'm there to assist anyone in anyway I can. If I can't help you out, I will let you know that I can't and I will still try to help you find someone else who does, or offer you assistance in finding the information you need. younahmean? (sigh)

Anyway, with all of that said, I'm still feeling dumb - kinda. But I know what I need to do and I'm gonna get it done. I need to read more. I need to pay more attention to things that matter to me, and look into what I want learn. I'm not completely turned off from talking to certain people in certain situation, but I do know how I will handle it from now on.

Here's to knowledge, and the sharing of it...

Finding My Voice

I started this blog because I needed an outlet that was different from my journal. I thought of starting a blog a while ago, and took my time thinking about it before actually doing it. I finally just jumped in and did it. It's been cool for me to have this thing up, but I realize that I don't post that often.

One of the reasons I don't post here that often is that I'm used to my journal, and old habits die hard. The other reason I don't post here that much is because I'm still filtering what I will post here and what I won't. I'm not at the point where I feel I will be an open book and talk about everything that's going on in my life. Some people share their entire lives in their personal blogs, and I admire their openness and bravery. I'm not sure if I'll ever be that open, but I will always be honest.

So until I decide how I'm going to express myself, I will still post, and will make the effort to post more often. And slowly, and surely, you will get to know me - maybe just not everything. ;-)

My Poetry - Entry #2

My First Crush

finished 09/09/07

With the touch of your hand, you have total control

Serving beats and melodies to the masses

Making us bob our heads and shake our asses

Underrated by many

To this day, what you do is still not respected

Seen by most who love music as a fake

You create new sounds and revive the old ones

Serving up just what we need to get our groove on

I respect what you do

I've always wanted to be just like you

That time may have passed, but I'm forever a fan

Been around for years bringing the noise to our ears

Constantly reborn in different forms and styles

You're art is being kept alive for there are many who believe in it

You were born around the way, and now you're all grown up

Traveling the world and leaving a permanent mark wherever you go

A talent that many posses, but only a few have mastered

You're in a class by yourself, and often forgotten in the scheme of things

There's a lot of us that really knows what's up

And we will always hold you in high regard

Until the rest of the world can see you for who you are,

Keep doing your thing

You were my first crush,

But I've got love for you forever...

The D.J.

I've applied for more jobs this week...

...and am feeling more confident about my chances in finding work. A few people I know have given me information on places to look, and some have taken my resume to put in for me for certain positions.

I’m hoping for the best, and that I am working within the next month. I may be called back to my last job, but in the meantime I’m continuing my search.

The thing about going back to my old job is that there was some trickery involved in me being laid off in the first place, and then there was some trickery involved in the first attempt to bring me back. That doesn’t make me feel so good about going back, but if it’s done the right way it could work out for me in so many ways that I have to keep it as an option.

Not working is weird because its been 14 years since I’ve been out of work. Even at that time, it was a matter of weeks before I found another job. This time I’m collecting unemployment, which I’ve never done before in my life, and my options for finding a job are not as plentiful as they were before.

Either way, I’m doing what has to be done so that I can be out and working again.

See more progress on: find a job

Broken Promises...

I feel like I've been falling for the okie-doke...

I guess I'm one of those people who believes someone when they tell me something. I guess I'm one of those people who take others at their word. I guess I'm starting to feel like an idiot. I don't want to be a pessimist, but damn, I'm becoming disappointed more and more and I don't know what to do about it. I could become a bitch and look at everyone sideways when they tell/promise me something, be sarcastic, and not trust anyone. But would that be any better? I don't know anymore. I want to believe that there are still good people in the world, and that people don't see me as gullible or stupid enough to believe anything. I don't want to become someones doormat. I'm still trying to decide what I'm going to do. I don't know anymore.

Strength, Courage, and Wisdom...

A lot of things have happened to me recently that have me starting over in several ways. I'm reacquainting myself with someone from my past, I may be returning to my old job with a new career, and I've become calmer with much effort on my part. All of these things are good things. Why? Because it's showing some growth on my part, which is a good thing for me. I was starting to feel like I had hit a wall and I would be struggling to get a lot of things done. I basically pulled myself together and created a game plan. Funny that it didn't include two of the things that I cited above, but any thing extra that's positive can't hurt, right? So many things can happen in life that can leave you defeated, and for a while I felt that way. A few things happened to me at once and it knocked me over so hard that I had decided to just lay there and take it. I didn't feel I had the strength or the know how to pull myself back up. But once I decided I couldn't and wouldn't wallow in it, I got up and got going. I'm feeling really good, and I'm moving forward. I'm starting to feel stronger and I have made the decision not to return to that place no matter what. It will only hurt me in the end. I'm determined to push on, and get what I want.

I can, I am, I will...

India Arie - Strength Courage and Wisdom

A Work In Progress

I have made the changes I needed to, and what I expected is happening. Some people I know are not happy with the change. Unfortunately, they don’t understand that I cannot always be there to help them if I don’t help myself first. I can’t worry about that right now. There are some people who are close to me that I have put aside for now, but they understand my plan of action and are supportive in what I’m doing. They know it’s for my own good

In changing my ways, I’ve been more productive and able to focus on things that needed my undivided attention in the first place. This has been a change for the better. During this time, I’ve also been able to uncover those who appeared to be in my corner, but who never were to begin with. This is also a good thing. It has allowed me to chose wisely in who I give my time to when I do.

I’m on my way…

See more progress on: put myself first